Broken
by Yellowwolf
Summary: The brothers have Lillith trapped, wanting to find out where Alistair is. How will it affect the brothers when she starts telling about Dean's time in hell? Chapter one is Sam's POV, chapter two is Dean's POV.
1. Sam

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own the show.

**Author's note:** I got this idea when I was in bed and wrote it the next day. It just came out and I'm kinda proud of it.

**Beta:** Thanks to Amy (Dean'sAngel17) for looking over this one (and for the words of encouragement!)

**_Broken_**

Lilith titled her head to the side and smirked at him. It only further fueled Sam's anger. The only thing stopping him from beating the crap out of her was the girl's body. She couldn't be more than eighteen years old and Sam was determined on saving her. The devil's trap kept Lilith firmly in place.

"Oh, Sammy, if only you had seen what I have. It was quite a sight, seeing Dean in hell, hearing him scream. Never knew it was possible for anyone to scream like that." She taunted. The expression in her eyes was one of sheer pleasure; her stance was determined and arrogant for someone about to be sent back to Hell, for good.

"He cried out your name a couple of times, you know? When he couldn't take it anymore. He thought _you_ would be the one finding a way to get him out. For thirty years, he held on to that. I was there when he snapped, when he took up Alistair's offer. There was no hope in his eyes. So sad." She smiled sadistically.

"Don't listen to her, Sam." Dean said angrily from somewhere behind him. He could hear the crack in his brother's voice though and he knew Lilith was telling the truth. He swallowed heavily and clenched his fists by his side.

"Where's Alistair?" He asked again. He should just get it over with, exorcise her but they needed the answer.

"It was fun seeing him torture those souls, seeing the turmoil going on in his eyes. Dean Winchester, savior of the human race, torturing souls. Now there's a contradiction." Lilith laughed.

"Shut up, bitch." Dean hissed.

Her eyes flickered to Dean and she smiled widely. "You didn't take that tone with me down there." Her eyes turned back on Sam. "Actually, he did once." She leaned forward as far as she could as if sharing a secret with him. "What I did to him, let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. Fun definitely, but not pretty. I tore him apart, made him scream until he had nothing left, until he was just a bloody mess. You know what was even more fun? I told him I would do the same to you. You should've seen the look in his eyes. He practically pleaded with me to leave you alone. His only worry was still for you and you were up here, screwing a demon. Guess we know where your brother stands." She leaned back, smirking satisfied.

Sam stood frozen. Dean had needed him, had counted on him and he'd let him down. A sob threatened to break free but he swallowed it back down and pushed back tears.

"Cat got your tongue, Sam? No comebacks? I'm disappointed. I'll share some more stories."

"Sam, exorcise her!" Dean ordered.

"Every time when midnight struck, he would be whole again. I could see he dreaded those moments because then it would start all over. We broke him every day, over and over. It was really fun, seeing that broken expression in his eyes, seeing him submit because he didn't have any other choice. He's not as strong as he makes out to be, you know? He's good at putting up an act, sure but we stripped him of that down there. Left him weak."

Something inside of Sam snapped. Dean wasn't weak. He never had been. His eyes hardened and the hate radiating from them made the smug smile disappear of Lilith's face.

"Time to say goodbye." He said, coldly. He raised his hand, felt the power surge through him, fueled by his anger and hatred. His heart rate automatically picked up as he steeled himself for what would no doubt be his hardest exorcism. It felt as if there was a connection between him and the demon; it was a game of pushing and pulling. He was trying to pull her out while Lilith was trying to push him away.

Lilith made choking sounds and a little of the smoke came out of her mouth before it was sucked back in. It was an even battle and Sam knew he had to step it up if he wanted to make it through this. He summoned every bit of power he had in his body. It felt as if it was all coming together in one place, the core of his power. Then he send it outwards, using it to try to pull her out.

Sam clenched his teeth. He was not going to give up. His head starting pounding, beating almost rhythmically in sync with his increasing heartbeat. Warm liquid slid out of his nose and over his lips. He ignored it.

There was black smoke coming out of her again and Sam tried to hold it like that, not allowing her to drag it back in but not pulling further either. He could feel her weaken a little as she tried to push against him. He started pulling again. His head felt like it was going to explode, little black spots were dancing in front of his eyes and his arm was shaking. He knew he was close though. He had to keep going. A pained gasp escaped him and he was dimly aware of spitting up blood. His gut was starting to feel as if someone was repeatedly kicking in it.

"Sam, stop." Dean said, sounding alarmed. He shook his head a little. He could do this. But he had to hurry up. He didn't have much strength left. His entire body was shaking with the effort. His breathing was reduced to sharp gasps. His heart was working overtime and he was afraid he was going to work himself right into a heart attack.

He clenched his teeth and focused everything he had on Lilith. There was more black smoke, filling the devil's trap. Finally, the girl's body crumpled to the floor. Sam knew she was dead even before she hit the ground. His arm dropped, sending the black smoke down. Then it was gone.

Sam gasped and fell down on his hands and knees as his legs buckled, unable to hold up his weight. Little drops of red dripped onto the floor. He could hear his own ragged breathing over the pounding of his head. He felt sick. Before he could stop it, he was emptying the contents of his stomach along with blood onto the motel room floor. His heart hurt, it felt as if someone was gripping it tightly, digging in their nails, making it slow and painful.

"Sammy," Dean mumbled worried. Dean's hand settled on his back, rubbing soothing circles while Sam threw up and then dry-heaved, coughing and spluttering. It took him a while but eventually, he forced his breathing back to normal and the strain on his heart eased.

He'd never before felt more weak and tired than this moment.

"Sammy, look at me." Dean ordered gently. Sam raised his head to stare in his brother's worried green eyes. Dean brushed a couple of strands away from his sweaty face.

"Don't ever do that again, Sam. It could have killed you." Dean said, cupping his cheek. Sam leaned into the touch, taking whatever comfort he could get.

"Had to send her back, Dean. Had to." He whispered brokenly. Tears sprung to his eyes as he remembered her words and it hit him like a ton of bricks. "I'm so sorry. I should've done more."

Dean brushed away a tear. "You did what you could, I know you did." He replied softly.

"It wasn't enough." Sam didn't fight the tears because he simply had no fight left in him, sending Lilith back to the hell she belonged in for good had practically destroyed him. She wanted to drag him down with her. But he did it; he got rid of her for once and for all. Dean tugged on his arm until his head was resting against his chest. His hand fisted in Dean's shirt and he held on as sobs wrecked his body. Dean's arms tightened around him.

"Its okay, Sam. I'm okay. I'm here." Dean whispered. It was so far from okay that Sam felt like laughing but he didn't even have the strength to do that. All the emotions from the past few weeks came boiling to the surface and came out in the form of tears. Ever since Dean had told him about his time in Hell, he had felt so powerless and helpless. There had been nothing he could do to ease his brother's pain and guilt. Eventually, his helplessness had turned into a need for revenge. He had set out to find and kill both Alistair and Lilith. One down, one to go. He didn't feel any better though, if anything, he felt worse.

It hit him that this wasn't fair either. Why was he the one crying and breaking down? Why was he the one needing comfort? It should be the other way around.

His sobs eventually died down until he was sniffing. Dean released his hold a little but didn't pull away. Now that he was calmed down, he could hear Dean's heartbeat beat steadily under his ear. He used it to ground himself. Dean was here. He might not be okay but he was here.

Sam pulled away from Dean. His shirt was stained with blood and his tears.

"Sorry about that."

Dean laughed a little but worry was still etched in every line of his face and in his eyes.

"Why don't you go take a shower? I'll deal with her." Dean said, pointing at the girl's body. Sam felt a pang of guilt at not having been able to save her. She was so young. He nodded and took Dean's offered hand.

He closed the bathroom door behind him. He took a look at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy and dried up tear tracks ran over his cheeks. On top of that, there was some dried up blood sticking to his upper lip and chin. He was a mess and not just physically. They were both screwed up beyond belief.

He had demon blood in him and Dean had spent time in Hell. He had stopped wondering what could possibly happen to make their lives any worse because there was always something to top what they had gone through before. Right now, they were dealing with freaking Angels and faced with the possibility of the Apocalypse and Lucifer rising. He was not sure there was anything that could top that but he didn't completely disregard the possibility. He felt like laughing but was sure it would come out hysterically so he held back.

They would deal with it as it happened. Together.

**_The end_**

_Feedback and constructive criticism are much appreciated!_


	2. Dean

**Disclaimer:** Guess what? I don't own them.

A**uthor's note:** I did Sam's version and then I felt the urge to do Dean's so I did. Hope you enjoy this one as well!

**Beta:** Thanks to Amy for cleaning this up and making it better!

_**Broken [Dean]**_

Lilith titled her head to the side and smirked at Sam who stood a couple of steps in front of Dean. Her expression of glee did nothing to ease the unsettling feeling that had started in the pit of his stomach as soon as they had trapped her in the Devil's trap.

"Oh, Sammy, if only you had seen what I have. It was quite a sight, seeing Dean in hell, hearing him scream. Never knew it was possible for anyone to scream like that." She taunted.

Dean swallowed heavily and tried not to think about her words, tried to force the memories back. Instead, he focused on his brother. He looked tense; he couldn't see his face so he had no idea of knowing what this was doing to his brother. Hearing him talk about it was one thing, hearing a demon talk about it was another. Sam didn't need to know this, didn't need to know that she knew.

"He cried out your name a couple of times, you know? When he couldn't take it anymore. He thought _you_ would be the one finding a way to get him out. For thirty years, he held on to that. I was there when he snapped, when he took up Alistair's offer. There was no hope in his eyes. So sad." She smiled sadistically.

Dean's reaction was instantaneous. "Don't listen to her, Sam." He said angrily. He couldn't prevent his voice from breaking on his brother's name and he mentally kicked himself. He was stronger than this; he should have been strong enough not to let her words get to him, even if they were true. It had been months, he was safe or at least as safe as he could get. He needed to be strong for Sam to make sure he would be safe too.

"Where's Alistair?" Sam asked, ignoring both him and her.

"It was fun seeing him torture those souls, seeing the turmoil going on in his eyes. Dean Winchester, savior of the human race, torturing souls. Now there's a contradiction." Lilith continued, never taking her eyes of Sam. He could tell from the expression in her eyes that her words were getting to Sam.

"Shut up, bitch." Dean hissed, clenching his fists by his body. It was that or grabbing his dad's journal and exorcise her the old-fashioned way. They needed information though, so he didn't. It was the only thing keeping her here and she knew it.

Her eyes flickered to him and she smiled widely. "You didn't take that tone with me down there." Her eyes turned back on Sam. "Actually, he did once." She leaned forward as far as she could as if sharing a secret. "What I did to him, let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. Fun definitely, but not pretty. I tore him apart, made him scream until he had nothing left, until he was just a bloody mess. You know what was even more fun? I told him I would do the same to you. You should've seen the look in his eyes. He practically pleaded with me to leave you alone. His only worry was still for you and you were up here, screwing a demon. Guess we know where your brother stands."

Dean shook his head furiously. He wanted to say something, reassure his brother that he understood; that he knew Sam had done what he could but the words died in his throat as the horrific memory took center stage.

_He was left broken and bleeding on the ground, panting heavily. His eyes were focused on a spot on the red, fiery walls, refusing to look up at her, refusing to let her see the debts of his pain and his helplessness. Every part of his body –No, not his body, that was rotting–, every part of his soul, of what was left of him felt like it was on fire. There wasn't one unmarked part of him, red welts and blood covered every inch. It had been eighteen years and he still hadn't gotten used to the pain, he never would, they would make sure of that. They would find new ways to torture him, to hurt him until he couldn't take it anymore, until he took Alistair up on his offer. He refused to though. He would not torture those souls._

_Lilith crouched down next to him, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at her. Down here, he could see her real form; she didn't need to hide in a meat suit. She was ugly as were all the other demons. The thought that he was going to become like them over time wasn't at all appealing for the obvious reasons. Would he turn into one of them? Would he be able to hold off and suffer for all eternity? _

"_Did that hurt?" She asked innocently, "Well, then you will know what your brother will go through once I get my hands on him. I'm going to enjoy torturing him even more than I've enjoyed torturing you." She stood back up._

"_No," he whispered. Sammy. "No!" He yelled and struggled to his feet. "Leave him alone, you hear me? Leave him alone!" he yelled at her retreating back. "You've got me, leave him alone!" Sam was the only thing keeping him alive down here. He needed to protect him. He needed Sam in order to stay alive, to not give up._

"Cat got your tongue, Sam? No comebacks? I'm disappointed. I'll share some more stories." Lilith's words dragged him back from his memory.

"Sam, exorcise her!" Dean ordered sharply. His own words surprised him but he needed her to stop talking both for his sake and his brother's. He couldn't relive it again, he wouldn't.

"Every time when midnight struck, he would be whole again. I could see he dreaded those moments because then it would start all over. We broke him every day, over and over. It was really fun, seeing that broken expression in his eyes, seeing him submit because he didn't have any other choice. He's not as strong as he makes out to be, you know? He's good at putting up an act, sure but we stripped him of that down there. Left him weak."

Dean turned his head away from her to hide the tears that were forming in his green eyes. Her words cut through him, made him realize the truth: he was weak.

"Time to say goodbye," The coldness of Sam's voice made him turn his head. Even Lilith looked scared now, probably realized her time was up. Sam had gotten good at this exorcising thing, too good but he would make sure she was gone for good and it was that thought that stopped Dean from objecting against Sam's method of exorcism.

Lilith made a choking sound and a little of the familiar black smoke left her mouth before it was abruptly sucked back in. Dean had no doubt this was going to be hard on his brother. She was unlike any other he had faced before, she was stronger. A little of the smoke left her a second time and this time it stayed like that.

He looked over at his brother, noticing his arm was shaking, seconds before a pained gasp left Sam's lips. It wasn't the first time he had heard the pained gasp but it was the first time he spit up blood along with it. His nose was probably bleeding too. His worry immediately spiked.

"Sam, stop!" Dean all but yelled alarmed and took a step forward. Sam shook his head, it was nothing more than a slight movement of the head but enough for Dean to get that Sam was going through with this. His jaw clenched. He wanted her gone as badly as Sam did but not at the expense of his life. There was nothing he could do. He could only watch and pray that Sam could get it done.

Not more than a minute later, though it seemed longer, the girl's body crumbled to the floor, right before Sam's legs gave out.

Dean reached his side just when Sam started throwing up. Dean didn't like the fact that there was blood along with the contents of his stomach and it made him realize Sam had cut it way too close.

"Sammy," he mumbled, kneeling down next to him and rubbing his back in soothing circles. Sam was coughing and dry-heaving until eventually, there was nothing left to throw up.

"Sam, look at me." Sam raised his head. Dried up blood clung to his lips and his chin, his face was covered in a thin layer of sweat and his eyes were wide and slightly unfocused. He brushed a couple of strands away from his face. "Don't ever do that again, Sam, it could have killed you." He couldn't stop himself from reaching out and cupping Sam's cheek. Sam leaned into his touch.

"Had to send her back, Dean, had to. I'm so sorry, I should've done more." Sam whispered brokenly. His eyes watered and a tear slid down his cheek. Dean brushed it away with his thumb.

"You did what you could, I know you did," he replied softly, holding Sam's gaze and trying to convey he genuinely believed that.

"It wasn't enough." The words came out in a weak brush of air. Sam's eyes dulled and Dean could feel the fight leave him. More tears slid down his cheeks. It cut through Dean like nothing else could. He tugged on Sam's arm and pulled him against his chest. Sam's hand fisted in his shirt and Dean wrapped his arms tightly around Sam's crying form.

"Its okay, Sam, I'm okay. I'm here." He was pretty sure the words didn't offer any comfort because they were empty. It was far from okay, they were far from okay. He wished he could have protected Sam from this all, he wished he had never gone back to get him from Stanford. He had to fight to keep his own tears at bay.

He had no idea how long he sat holding Sam but eventually his sobs died down. He loosened his hold a little but felt unwilling to let him go. Sam's breathing became steady and he thought Sam had fallen asleep but then he pulled away and Dean let go.

"Sorry about that," Sam said, indicating his shirt. Dean laughed a little and shook his head.

"Why don't you take a shower and I'll take care of her," Dean said pointing at the girl's lifeless body. He helped Sam to his feet and watched him go into the bathroom.

Dean sighed and slumped down on the bed, burying his head in his hands. He wished he could turn his thoughts off, he wished he could stop himself from remembering Hell but he couldn't. He was good at keeping the nightmares to himself, he never woke up screaming. He hadn't wanted Sam to know quite so much because he had known he'd feel guilty about it. It wasn't his fault. If anyone was to blame, then it was him. He had made the deal.

He had never regretted that decision. Not even when he had been down there, had he wished that he could take it back. He would do everything for his brother.

The shower started running and Dean focused on the girl. She was still so young, couldn't be older than twenty.

Another life lost, another soul banished, another family broken.

_**The end**_

_Let me know what you think! To all of you, all the best for 2009!!_


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